It's Monday and I feel the busy creeping up my body already. List upon list of to-do's. Decisions about what will happen must be made and I'm crippled by the thought of doing all and doing nothing. This is the part of my day where I must be brave. Either way I must choose my destiny, and sometimes that destiny is e-mailing and cleaning. Today that is my destiny before work.
The first decision was what to eat. Easy. Two basted eggs, one piece of nine-grain toast, plenty of Hope Creamery butter. Coffee with cream and a dash of sugar. Done and done.
Next on the agenda e-mailing. Can I make that appointment on Wednesday? Monday? Friday? Yes, yes, and yes. Calendar filled. Delete the many more promotions from the various places I have frequented in my single life. Goodbye Gap. Ciao Vertical Endeavors. Aloha (in the goodbye sense) Urban Outfitters. And respond to the personal e-mails in my, count 'em, three e-mail inboxes.
Call my mother-in-law (because I have one as of 6 weeks ago) to sync our lives. Check!
Now to the important decisions. Make time to exercise, read, pray, rest.
But the anxiety creeps up. First in my stomach then in my heart. There are so many decisions about how to live. Why is she writing about to-do lists? you might be wondering. Well, its because you are wondering the very same things. Will I get everything done? Will I do what I said I would do? Will I enjoy today, the first day of my work week? Or will I hate my life today?
If you live intentionally, you know what I'm talking about. We must make decisions everyday that have real consequences for the future.
For example, I recently joined a group of exercisers from work. We are committing to 21 days of 30 minutes or less of exercise. Sounds easy. For me it's not. I was once a very active person, some might say athletic. I might look very skinny, but do not be fooled. The only workout I have had lately is lifting heavy boxes of water at Trader Joe's. Lazy. My decision has been laid out in the agreement I made: do the work, or be kicked off the Facebook group. Ouch. Talk about public shaming. I'm anxious about my 20 minutes with Jillian Michaels today. She's a real piece of work when I don't want to do lunges. I think, "Shut up about bating suits. I'm already upset that I'm in workout gear."
Anyhow, I'm writing today as an act of opposition to the anxiety about scribbling a list and crossing it off. I told myself I'd blog once again CONSISTENTLY. So, here is me scratching something off my list. Keeping a promise to myself. And practicing bravery. Bravery. Bravery my friends is not me in armor, but me typing back at my fears, and deleting them from my brain's hard drive. Goodbye fear. I've checked a box. Bring on task number two.