Resurrection in the Library

I spend the morning sorting through resources in the seminary library. As I comb through the stacks, I look intently on a section with one search keyword: resurrection. I landed on this topic by happenstance. Or, that’s what I thought. My professor said I had two options: a passage in Romans, or one in 1 Corinthians 15. I chose 1 Corinthians, since the passage seemed shorter. But little did I know that this would be a culmination of the anthem of my past four months.

Term papers are stressful. It takes everything within me to get away from procrastinating. Even now, I’m doing a glorious form of it while blogging. Though very cathartic for me, is in no way getting actual work done.

Back to the library, I find my sources and decide to scan them into a pdf so I can read them at my leisure the following few days at home. The scanner is the closest thing to a suntan that I’m going to experience today. While vexing over the complexity of this paper, and wondering about how well or poor I will do, I see a guy I went to undergraduate at North Central with for one semester. Looking at him I realize something. We are no longer the kids we once were. Resurrection is happening here and now.

I was talking with my counselor about how I think things will eventually get better. How contentment and joy, I believe, are right around the corner. And she asks me, “How do you know that?” And I fumble through my thoughts for a while. I don’t really know, but I do. Something within me knows that all things go through rebirth and become new once again. Then, after what seemed like an eternity in my mind in silence, I look at her, and she says to me, “You know about resurrection.”

The past four months have been a painful realization of what I really desire. For a while I thought it was my ex. I thought if I set everything right in my life, he would come back. But now I realize I did what I could, I loved with my heart, fully and really. And now that my heart is repaired, I have forgiven him and let him go.

What I really want now is resurrection. I pray for it eagerly, everyday. I feel it some days when the sun is shining on my face and I’m out zipping from place to place on my scooter. Or when I have a free hour and I’m sitting on the porch watching the chickens peck around while reading NT Wright. I find contentment and joy there. And resurrection is on its way.

A few weeks back, I wrestled with my life. Wanting everything to be BETTER. Hoping I could leave my job at Trader Joes, wishing I could be done with school and spend every day rock climbing and gallivanting around the city. This is what I thought it meant when God says, “Behold, I am making all things new.”

But now, in resurrection, I realize, God is making all things new. He’s holding me in my temper tantrums and changing the places in my heart to see that I am not stuck in death, but he has an amazing life for me everyday. Some days I don’t see it, feel it, or know it. Today, I think will be a day of resurrection because he hasn’t forgotten about me. He has made a grand adventure for me starting now.

And the anthem now plays, Today, I am making all things new for you, Joy. Keep your eyes wide open for resurrection is here and now.

Jackie Chan Meets Pink Linens

Surrounded on four walls by athletes including Kobe Bryant and Jackie Chan, I find my pink bedding a stranger to this boyland. My new place is fantastic. I have my own space and ample storage. But the best part: three new brothers.

I recently moved to Forest Lake after feeling that I needed to move from my sister’s 750 sq. ft. apartment. For the six months I was there, I bunked up with my two-year-old niece. At the beginning of our room sharing experience, she would often shut me out of the room saying, “Kenna’s room. Get out, Doy.” However, by the end of it all, I found that I love her more than really any other kid.

I remember one night when Mel and Stefan went to the airport at 4 a.m. Just after leaving, McKenna woke up and began searching for them. I was in a deep slumber. McKenna reasoned that going outside on this chilly night in November, without shoes mind you, would be a great way to remedy her problem of missing parents. Wandering around the neighborhood, wailing, my neighbor awoke. Praise God she brought her home. I’m sure the neighbors thought I was a delinquent aunt, but at 4 a.m., what would you expect? After she was returned I watched her with eyes wide open until Melody returned.

I don’t anticipate that my new brothers will be doing anything like this. However, stories will be told.
Here they are, eldest to youngest,
Ryan, who is 17 years old, lives in the basement. He’s tall and thin with beautiful blue eyes and a small gap in his teeth. But he’s become very shy. For years his identity was vested in sports. Ryan wasn’t a boy; he was an athlete, complete with detachable glove and shooting arm. After being cut from the basketball team last November, he has burrowed himself deep into a cave of depression. He remains reclusive in a dank and chilly basement.

Nate, the middle child, is amazingly gifted with music. He is trendy with a thin figure. When we were younger, he joked with me about all sorts of silliness. I often stole one-liners from him. He coined the phrase, “That’s the way it should be.” But now, he closes himself off with an iPod. He attends a charter school where he says there isn’t much diversity. Watching the kids disperse after I picked him up from school yesterday, I find this to be true. There are two black kids. The third was expelled after selling her Adderall to classmates, he says. I’m not sure if this is the diversity he speaks of, but if so, he’s dead on. I ask him about friends, he says all the kids at school use drugs. I say, “Good boy. Stay away from that stuff.” Tough he remains solo at school, I find him great company.

The youngest, Dylan, has become a bookworm in his short 10 years. His silliness has taken the space where once Nathan’s was able to use his quick wit. Though he was chubby for much of his childhood, a newfound excitement in baseball is becoming his haven for weight loss and friend making. Slimming out, he’s becoming less of a little kid and more of a boy. He always has something new to talk about and much of the time will tell you new and interesting facts about children’s fiction. I adore his precociousness and buzzed haircut.

I don’t live with them because of the free rent. I feel that God has brought me to just this place for one reason: love.

They’re all going through things, even the parents. I won’t get into detail, but I will say, the only reason I’m living in this place is because God made it happen. I prayed for a family to take me in. The next day Julie asks me to live there for the summer. I knew I needed to take time for the boys, so what happens? God works out my schedule so my jobs consume fewer hours. All the while, the income remains the same, if not more. My God is good.

Though, I’m finding myself caught between patterns of the past, which are not desired anymore, and the near future. The choices are clear. I can lazily take my days as they come, or be intentional, setting aside hours of the day for the boys and making the days off meaningful. I can procrastinate writing assignments or I can work them out quickly so to have more time to do other things. I can fill every hour with lunch dates or coffee dates with people at church, or I can slow down and limit myself a bit. I want to make wise decisions. With God’s help, I will.

If you think of it, pray for this family. I’ve been interceding for them. Every time I think something should be happening, and I get frustrated, God reminds me, “It’s just a matter of time.”

I’m still waiting on a few promises, but that doesn’t mean my God isn’t faithful. It means that he’s giving me time to take in the goodness that he shells out to me everyday. If he fulfilled everything now, I’d have a heart attack. It’s how Peter explains it in 2 Peter 3:9, “The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.”

As my faith increases, God puts more on my plate. I find this all a blessing. Though, sometimes its difficult and I feel like a screw up, I know he’s got a plan. And because I’m weak, he’s stronger. We are weak warriors. And will we be overcome? “No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.” Romans 8:37

Serious Joy

I’ve taken very seriously the working out my salvation with fear and trembling. The idea of approaching the throne grace is not something to be done flippantly. However, in the past week, I’ve come across passage after passage on the joy and peace that God brings from the hope that Christ left us.

One that particularly struck me came from my quiet time on Wednesday. As I meditated on this, it really penetrated me. Read it and think for a moment.

“May the God of HOPE fill you with all JOY and PEACE as you trust him, so that you may overflow with HOPE by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13

My God, the God that made everything and does everything in his power, wants that I receive JOY and PEACE as I trust in Him. Wow.

This blew my mind. Though I have been experiencing deep peace, a peace that passes understanding, I’ve been in a very contemplative state. Off putting to some. My sister had mentioned that my “countenance” was one of sadness. I thought about this, seriously, for few days. Though, I feel that her statement was cutting, I also saw some truth in it in some situations. So I prayed through it, asking God to bring me joy and allow it exude life from me. And yesterday, it came.

I was talking with a coworker and she said that we aren’t supposed to bring gloom with us everywhere we go. “Who wants to change because of that?” She said. As examples of Christ, we are to live lives that show him. Lives that bring people to want to know why we are so excited about God, why we are so glad to be alive, why we serve the God we serve.

We aren’t supposed to go through the days with a sober mind, contemplating the sadness that was that day that he died, though this is good. It’s not about the legalism of sackcloth and ash, as it had been for so many months in my life. Yes, God is serious. I take him very seriously. But, God wants us to look to the hope of heaven, his bridegroom returning for us, and live joyfully.

In a world where Lady Gaga will not be leaving anytime soon, though she should’ve expired months ago, we must find the joy in everyday things. Some choose music, entertainment, fitness or friends. For me, it’s the weather. No matter what fills the sky, God has made a wonderful day. I always thank him for the weather. I thank him for my meals. Every opportunity to visit with another soul, I thank him with great joy knowing we grew in him as we grew with each other. I thank him joyfully for all the little blessings, like chocolate from a friend’s candy dish or free pastries at lunchtime, when I forget my lunch. (If you could work that out for today, God, I would really appreciate it. I ended a fast yesterday, and totally forgot that today I’d need a lunch.)

Once we get to that place of joy and contentment in God presence in the world, we find that God is in everything. We find joy in the time we spend with our families. We are able to naturally talk about Jesus with people of no or little faith. We can see our lives as exceedingly blessed by God instead of so-so.

I’m reminded of a song by Desperation band. Just listen to the words.



You dance over me
While I am unaware
You sing all around
But I never hear a sound

Lord, I’m amazed by you
Lord, I’m amazed by you
How you love me

It’s the amazement of unknown joy and little delights can be the most exciting. He’s dancing over us while we aren’t even doing anything devoted to him. He’s there. Doesn’t that just give you serious joy?

So today, think of God’s blessing in your life. Continue to seek him out with fear and trembling, but do it joyfully. After all, we are transformed by his glory. That's serious joy.

God Minded

How do I engage in His presence at each moment, with all that I am, with all these task piling up on my desk?

I’ve learned from Brother Lawrence not to fret. He constantly worked with nimble hands as a clumsy cook in a monetary kitchen thinking mostly of our Almighty Father. Written of him by his close friend, Joseph de Beaufort, “Brother Lawrence’s heartfelt goal was to think of nothing but God. If he did allow some time to pass without thinking of Him, he did not grow upset about it. Once he confessed his weakness to God, he returned to him with all the more confidence and joy because he had found himself so unhappy apart from God’s presence.”

You see, to my normal office mate, I'm working on an e-mail, a fact checking form or scheduling an important appointment in my calendar. But really, my mind is swirling about God. It's churning these ideas about this grace I receive so freely, this excitement and joy, yet deep grief for those on the outside. As my peace and contentment grows, so too does this fire within me that causes me to tear up. I find my tasks are completely secondary. In one window I have Entorage, in another I'm reading a Psalm. One ear is empty, the other budded with music that represents the desire of my heart to only have more time with my God.

But sometimes this juxtaposition vexes me. How do I find contentment while my mind is running itself into a tangle of thoughts?

The closer I am to the Lord, the more my mind runs with ideas of him only. The world doesn't understand me. And my counterparts have found a place that is comfortable within the confines of the world. I am alone in my thoughts. Not many of those around me really understand what I'm thinking. The more I rattle on about these daily journeys with the Lord, they ask, "Are you sure God is asking you to listen to Him at all times? Don't you just want to check out?" At times, I have become discouraged to speak. So, I shut up. I wait for the right moment. I keep these thoughts of eternity, grace, freedom, love...longing, yearning, aching love, to myself. Still burning for them to know the freedom that I’ve found. And ever thinking of God.

Even that which I am walking through right now isn't a struggle with external sin. I'm done with that. I no longer seek these unfulfilling things like drunkenness or lust. I found those once before and I hated myself. I was restless. But now, I want so badly to be pure. I want to dwell with the Almighty at all times. But I'm blessed to do these tasks, however menial they are. Because it’s not about the tasks. Its about these people. To sit beside the blind and offer vision, that’s my mission. To feed the hungry with the wisdom that I seek and have found, that’s my ministry. To clothe the naked from their shame, that’s what I offer.

But some of you are skeptical because entering to a place of constant “God thought” is not easy. It requires sacrifice and work. I came to this place as I read scripture after scripture on keeping our minds pure and thinking on the right things. Until recently, I didn’t know how that looked or if anyone else was doing it. But the more I read, the more my mind wandered to how much God loved me. How much I want to hear from him everyday. How I want to be that pure person. However, I still want confirmation that someone out there is doing this same thing. Not just attending a church service. Not just putting on their Christian hat on Sunday, but actually seeking Him constantly.

In my search for another God thinker, I feel that I have finally consulted an expert. Joyce Meyer. Now, mind you, I have been averse to female Christian authors for the past 6 months, distracted by the pink book covers and the "you go girl" attitude. I wanted stripped down, manuscript styled design as not to distract from the task at hand: learning more about God’s word. So when I got the e-mail from Hennepin County Library saying my book, Battlefield of the Mind, had been delivered to the GV location, I scheduled a tentative book pickup.

I managed to make my way to the shelf with my hold number sticking out. “167….something, something, something.” And you know what I found? The cover was blue with the most neutral graphic: chess pieces.

Now that I’ve passed the stereotypes, and have read nearly half of the “two-million copies sold” best seller, I can honestly say, I am not alone in seeking the Lord each moment. Joyce Meyer wrote a book on it. Two million people have a copy of it. Some should be allowing her breakdown of scripture penetrate them.

But my question this time around is: what are you thinking about?

Paul writes in Romans, “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then, you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”

The world is going to tell you to think about all the worries of life. It's going to distract you from the true things that make you full of joy and peace. But the pattern of the world isn't fulfilling in any aspect of life. So why not try to think on good things? Higher things?

You want direction? Transform your mind and think of him as Paul instructs. Take some time for this today.